Funny....now I'm thinking what is real...what is unreal... because the satisfaction that you gave to me at that night was such a strong and intense and huge....something like sureal.. more than reality...

But it was real... real soul unite..

I've never realized that it could be the best thing in my life to share time with someone who I love... because I didn't even know whether that kind of feeling exists or not.

I don't really spend time on exploring myself... I couldn't be honest with myself...because I don't know real myself.... maybe... I was so reserved...I am still....just like other Korean..Japanese..

now I doubt if I can get the same satisfaction from the world where I used to believe as real...for example... success , money , fame......

Can I get the same or better satisfaction from it... than real soul unite...?

That was real strange feeling...

WE didn't talk a lot.... but whatever you said, I knew exactly what you meant..

Your character... your decision......your style....

I felt I'd known you for ages...

.........................

Since March, the country where really has occupied my brain totally is Spain.

I tell you what.. I wasn't interested in Spain at all.

probably I shouldn't have said that like this, because I've never even been there..

But the experience that I has had so far with Spanish gave me idea that 'They don't think or decide by standard of reason / capitalism / mutual-interest(respect).'

And for them the most important thing is 'Am I happy now...? I want to be happy...'

Different perspective... exactly... it was even shocking...because sometimes it seems to look like selfish, amoral, and irrational.

Well, in certain point, they are quite different from Italian, who seems like selfish, amoral, and irrational sometimes...(yeah but please don't misunderstand me, that was the only my first perception before I understand them fully..)

But I think Italian understand capitalism / marketing / money-making any sort of thing... thoroughly, so even they have strong ego towards their own private happiness, it seems so natural to be with whole concept of capitalism ..that sort of things...

So it isn't surprising that Italian is the one of them who has built up their economic wealth in the States with Irish among all the immigrants. (anyway.... happy St.Patrick day...!!! :) have lovely Guiness - but not bubbly..bubbly Guiness is horrible...)

U'know... Italian job... (we've got Italian job platter...kkk..)

On contrary, Spanish who has the same ego towards their own happiness and great cultural asset seems to be different in this point.

I think you can check clearly if you work with Spanish especially in London , where you are being asked to be followed the rule that squeeze their effort aggresively as much as manager can..

Most of the time that could ruin your private happiness or even your health..
Well, I love London, I'm really enjoying my job.

But I think it is true that it is really hard place to live and survive. It offer easy and quick start. (you can get job ..millions of jobs out there... and interesting mixing place...!!)

But you know what... it could be never-ending game... Imagine ten years later you could earn less than £10 an hour without your own house.. (well this situation has been spreading all over the world though..)

Anyway... when Spanish face the situation that they have to do something, which can ruin their happiness, I think quite lot of Spanish don't mind choosing being happiness.

Interesting..but it could be annoying if you work with them (because you might be the one who should work instead of them for covering them.... )

But by standard of happiness.... I think they are the one who care their own happiness so passionately and delicately... so living in Spain when you are retired and old could be brilliant idea.

moreover they have beautiful weather...! That's why their housing markets are boiling now.....

But when I found myself that they could not beat any country by standard of capitalism because of their deep-rooted own character, I wasn't really interested in them.

Admiral Horacio Nelson..he is hero who commanded British fleet in the battle of Trafalgar but also it can't be ignored that Spanish power were shrinking at that times, the late 17C.



Spain had The Empire, great power... but I think they gained that power through easy way ,which just stealing gold/silver from Latin America and conquered them who was not keen on developing military power like European at that times..

so....U'know.... it was piece of cake..

Well.... it is honourable that they were the one in the history in one day...

But could that history can influence anything now...?

And.....I had given up the chance to travel Spain... I wasn't tempted..
Probably I coundn't find anything... yeah....


And .... here comes something...

That terror in Spain... that after that surprising result in their election..

Look at whole Latin America... they are speaking Spanish... even they have bleak forecast financially. (Argentina could go under default again...)

And Samuel Huntington's shocking report - The Hispanic Challenge-



different view... well, thay might build alternative way... they've got potential.

Ask myself again...

But could that history can influence anything now...?

Yeah...well, I have to have a look then... I'll go Spain and see what's going on....

When my mate 'Robert' said, 'Just Don't worry.... you worry too much...'

Do I...? Do I worry again...? I don't even recognize it, It's like a disease...



You know, reasonably worry doesn't make situation better...

As we all know, all the emotions are contagious, so actually when we worry, we normally lose out concentration... For me, it is so much noticeable...
it could make anybody laugh or get angry..... well, most important... I lose control myself...!

But why I worry and I am nervous and feel can't even move... sometimes...?



Well, I'd accepted I'm quite afraid of making mistake. And I'm used to be judged by any onlookers.
Sounds funny....literally, they are simply onlookers... nothing is their business at all.

But I think that's the way I am educated.
If I make mistake, people will judge me and get angry with me...I was scolded...

How funny is that...? now I feel like I was trained dog .... You know, Pavlov's Dog..,which about CONDITIONED EMOTIONAL RESPONSES, well, admittedly I still find myself I'm Jesus Christ well-trained dog....!

When I behave in the right way, I can have meaty bone...or praise..
When I behave in the wrong way, everybody look at me in scolding way...


So I'm keeping worrying....not mainly cuz I remember meaty bone was so delicious, much more because that look of scolding by lots of eyes was so stressful...

Well, I couldn't just blame our way of education... that was the cheapest and easiest way... and we needed to be developed as quickly as we can,which means we hadn't time or energy to spend in emotion or private right..and happiness...

And owing to that sacrifice, we made economic success...It is something.
But it doesn't work well as it did because opinionless, creativity-free clones is suitable for 20C industrial model.

And that's not the way I want to live....


That's what I decide... I'm still Korean.... I'm so happy I'm Korean...I love to be expert about my culture..(to be born there and have nationality as a Korean doesn't make me expert and not enough neither..)

But I'm going to extract some nasty and useless habit out aggressively......

I've learned new vocabulary couple of days ago ,which is 'androgynous'.
People feel they are attracted so strongly when they find 'strange mix of male and female character - androgynous '....

well.. I know... sounds really odd... but lots of girly guys and manly women attract us everyday...

I don't mean just physical features.
I think plain-looking guy with delicate, sensitive mind always drives girls crazy....I reckon, they could be real casanova...kkk

Last year I was completely in love with a English guy, and he turned out to be gay...for christ sake...!!!
He wasn't plain-looking but not that special looking neither...
But the thing actually took my heart was his indirect, delicate way of expression....lilke woman...(gay....!)
( I think English guys are quite poetic, which always interesting.... hmmmm..)

Why gay guys are always more attractive.....?

yeah... and here comes clue about that.... cuz they are androgynous...
Psychology never makes me bored...

Anyway their boldness apparently overwhlemed me..

that lesbian couple was sitting in the middle of guys...and actually in the middle of our pub(actually it is bar)... well anybody could see them what they were doing...( I think they were enjoying being watched...... )

And I was working on the floor...

WoW............................................................

they had been mouth-open kissing more than an hour, they kissed so well ..and so passionately.... my mate was sitting just beside them (why...?)... I'm going to ask him...how long did they....?

I've never fancied girls.. in my life.. .........yet....! (yeah....who knows...?)

Oh...........But their boldness was really wonderful thing.....I have fancied the character of boldness itself especially by woman , like what Aguilera has..
and lots of classical books say it is quite natural feeling....even though it could be anti-social ....



At that times.... guys around them ... what they were thinking....anyway...?

sexy..? vulgar...? disgusting...?

I bet they felt jealousy......kkk.... I'm going to ask my mate.... (he is really shy is he going to say honestly...? na...... )



cheers......!